Category: Blog

My mom is turning sixty this year and it’s about time that she does some traveling and lives her best life while she still has that opportunity. My mom’s boss’ house is taking a while to sell and it’s been on the market since last July. Now, they lowered the asking price significantly and there are more people visiting for open houses. This is a good sign that she will be retiring soon, though it’s sad for me since I will have less to do if I can’t follow her to work.

Jackie’s parents are visiting the Philippines this Summer and she might get to visit Hawaii. It feels like too little, too late, for Jackie, and I don’t know if we’ll ever go back to how life was ten years ago.

I’m working on “Grace” for an upcoming Memoir in Verse contest and have written about 25/125 poems for it so far. Hopefully it will be complete by late February or early March. Also, my eCornell class ends in March. I want to put it on my resume, since it might be my last opportunity to complete a class. I was hoping to write “Cornell University, Certificate in Creative Writing” on my author page. If the UHM Outreach resumes offering certificates in professional writing, I might take that later, too. I don’t think that I want to attend Clubhouse or add more activities to my schedule.

My mom says I still have many good years ahead for me. I hope that it is true, and that we can book a flight to New Zealand to celebrate as soon as she retires. If I travel once a year, I might visit a lot of places before I reach her age. I would like to write more non-mental health stories as well, and to start on a shorter poem series called “Suburbia: Effervescence” after “Grace” is complete. It is meant to compliment my novel “Suburbia” and it is common for writers to do so. I haven’t really traveled besides to Kauai and China since I graduated college. Maybe I will write another mental health story after “Suburbia: Effervescence,” probably “Ohio Beauty: Memories of Suburbia.”

Jackie says that both of her parents are dealing with some health concerns, so I really hope that they get to enjoy their retirement and visit more places instead of succumbing to illnesses. It’s something that worries me, and probably worries all of us, the day life stops being a rose garden. But, I still feel young enough to enjoy a vacation and I wonder if the best is yet to come.

It turned out better than I hoped and looks quite professional. I think my family will enjoy receiving copies of this short story set. It isn’t my best work, though I’m happy to keep practicing my writing. I will notify them on WeChat.

A lot of things have happened lately that have left me disappointed. For example, I was led to believe that the mentally ill community had hearts of gold and would never do anything to hurt me. I believed that my best friend would be unbiased when it came to choosing friends. I believed that racism was long outdated. I’m starting to realize that most people are motivated by personal interests, and I can’t help but feel that it is mostly because of the way society is educated. We are taught to want these status symbols like new phones, vacations and the respect of others. All I have to say, in the end, is that I will never be one of them.

I can’t help but believe that I am right in saying that a lot of life isn’t about who we are, how good our heart is, what we were born into, our personality, etc. These things matter, but not more than the things you’ve actually done. Everyone in this world has the chance to make something of their lives and that accomplishment often goes unrecognized when the person who accomplishes it has no speaking power.

I’m very unhappy about my weight lately. It’s tiring, but I wish that the guy I chose would see my side of the story instead of only considering the moral standards he keeps. I can’t help but feel that being loved for the heart inside is a very superficial love, and as a role model of what love should be, I can’t help but feel that I have to protect the people who meet my standards of morality and not his. I really feel like there are too many people who ignore these invisible qualities in people of all backgrounds that can and should matter though they have very little social value. People who want to get to know me often just act impeccably nice, and that isn’t something I value. Reputations exist to be risked and not to be protected. I am not someone who is afraid of loving people with bad hearts. However, people who use their kindness as a shield and don’t make a difference in the world, I really dislike.

It comes down to value. We need to re-evaluate our value system, who we should give power to, and if money and status really have the same value in Heaven as they have on earth.

There is a contest for a verse memoir due on March 31 that I really want to enter. The title I chose is “Grace” and the topic is the local mental health experience. It is told through the narratives of around five different people who have some connection to mental health. Writer’s block sporadically returns and leaves, so I am in a hurry to get the project completed.

Today I talked to Jackie about my plans and life is going well. I might just learn Japanese through online videos that you can find on YouTube and Facebook Reels instead of taking a class. It makes me “ ureshii” to see the year end on a happier note. I particularly like a YouTuber called Ukiyo-e AIUEO. A little fox called Kiko teaches a couple phrases of Japanese every day. Below is a photo of little Kiko, and some photos from the sand bar we visited this morning.

Talking to Jackie brought up memories of a time when the nightmare had been only a dream. I’m realizing lately that just as horror can be only a bad dream, so can happiness. That is why all the good times we spent were scattered into emptiness, and those days feel too innocent. Today I am feeling content.

There is a verse contest I want to enter, but the writer’s block persists. I wanted to talk about the era of America’s imminent decline, finding love through sorrow, the disenchantment for the lower class, and beauty that exists on the edge of despair. I’m thinking of naming it “A Midnight’s Wonderland.”

I do want to write a couple more comedies/tragicomedies later, since I know those are popular with the mental health community. One will be called “Tangerine,” preferably written as prose, not verse. I actually want to write something with more depths, and by that I mean a pain so deep, it feels like falling off a waterfall. But, I think many of them don’t like to be reminded of the bad things that haunt them.“The Women’s Travelogue,” did not win an Emma Award, but I’m not deterred from writing more comedy.

Back on the topic of nostalgia, I am wondering how to make things right again in my community. I no longer buy the sugarcoated fantasy that was instilled during the first Trump era. However, I feel that it is a step in the right direction. I’m definitely up for season two of that version of America, only with more action and less sipping of drinks at cafes. I know that Jake can’t protect me right now, that Jackie is barely able to hold it together for herself, and my mom is going blind.

Not to complain about politics, but in my opinion Biden had a vision of America that I really hate. I hate the whole “tech startup” contests that have no real value, the post-apocalyptic future where the worse case scenario is our reality, and spending all our efforts on wars abroad at the cost of building our own country.

Here in Hawaii, the situation is improving. I don’t know if Jackie can say the same. I don’t want to live happily at her expense, so I want to make the necessary sacrifices. That being said, tomorrow we’re going to Makapu’u to watch the sunrise and buy Fukubukuro bags. Best wishes for 2026.

Tomorrow we will be taking the dogs out to the sand bar by Hawaii Kai. This entire year, Yuki has barely left the house so this will be a big treat. My counselor says that I can tentatively be discharged from day program around next week. Since I have been preparing for Japanese class, yesterday might possibly have been my final day in program. My class should start on January 12, around the same time as eCornell.

I don’t know how to feel about what I want to do with the rest of my life. It is probably a common feeling for people in their mid-thirties. It might be a while before I see Jake and I want to make use of my free time instead of sitting around waiting for other people to decide things for me. I guess that’s why I want to write, learn Japanese, etc. I’m considering visiting all these places I’ve never been to such as Sri Lanka, Japan, São Paulo Brazil and New Zealand. I want to visit Guam one day as well. I heard that Southeast Asia is high on crime these days, which is why I might avoid there. I know my mom’s friend backpacks and makes being in her 50’s look easy. If only life were that simple.

In terms of relatives, many of us cousins will probably leave earth without marrying or having children. Sometimes I think about the movie I watched on the plane called “Tunnel to Summer, the End of Goodbyes.” Japanese culture in movies does present a more dignified picture of aging, disability and sadness that often leaves room for hope.

I don’t really know much about 2026. I was optimistic that it would come with good news, new friends and blessings. But, based on people’s grimaces when I ride the bus or go to program, I have come to the conclusion that it might not be the best year. What can I do? How can I be of help to my best friend? When will I see Jake again? I was promised basking in the Bahamas one day, and at this rate I don’t know if I even have the patience to bask.