News and Contemplation

Today I talked to Jackie about my plans and life is going well. I might just learn Japanese through online videos that you can find on YouTube and Facebook Reels instead of taking a class. It makes me “ ureshii” to see the year end on a happier note. I particularly like a YouTuber called Ukiyo-e AIUEO. A little fox called Kiko teaches a couple phrases of Japanese every day. Below is a photo of little Kiko, and some photos from the sand bar we visited this morning.

Talking to Jackie brought up memories of a time when the nightmare had been only a dream. I’m realizing lately that just as horror can be only a bad dream, so can happiness. That is why all the good times we spent were scattered into emptiness, and those days feel too innocent. Today I am feeling content.

There is a verse contest I want to enter, but the writer’s block persists. I wanted to talk about the era of America’s imminent decline, finding love through sorrow, the disenchantment for the lower class, and beauty that exists on the edge of despair. I’m thinking of naming it “A Midnight’s Wonderland.”

I do want to write a couple more comedies/tragicomedies later, since I know those are popular with the mental health community. One will be called “Tangerine,” preferably written as prose, not verse. I actually want to write something with more depths, and by that I mean a pain so deep, it feels like falling off a waterfall. But, I think many of them don’t like to be reminded of the bad things that haunt them.“The Women’s Travelogue,” did not win an Emma Award, but I’m not deterred from writing more comedy.

Back on the topic of nostalgia, I am wondering how to make things right again in my community. I no longer buy the sugarcoated fantasy that was instilled during the first Trump era. However, I feel that it is a step in the right direction. I’m definitely up for season two of that version of America, only with more action and less sipping of drinks at cafes. I know that Jake can’t protect me right now, that Jackie is barely able to hold it together for herself, and my mom is going blind.

Not to complain about politics, but in my opinion Biden had a vision of America that I really hate. I hate the whole “tech startup” contests that have no real value, the post-apocalyptic future where the worse case scenario is our reality, and spending all our efforts on wars abroad at the cost of building our own country.

Here in Hawaii, the situation is improving. I don’t know if Jackie can say the same. I don’t want to live happily at her expense, so I want to make the necessary sacrifices. That being said, tomorrow we’re going to Makapu’u to watch the sunrise and buy Fukubukuro bags. Best wishes for 2026.

Tomorrow we will be taking the dogs out to the sand bar by Hawaii Kai. This entire year, Yuki has barely left the house so this will be a big treat. My counselor says that I can tentatively be discharged from day program around next week. Since I have been preparing for Japanese class, yesterday might possibly have been my final day in program. My class should start on January 12, around the same time as eCornell.

I don’t know how to feel about what I want to do with the rest of my life. It is probably a common feeling for people in their mid-thirties. It might be a while before I see Jake and I want to make use of my free time instead of sitting around waiting for other people to decide things for me. I guess that’s why I want to write, learn Japanese, etc. I’m considering visiting all these places I’ve never been to such as Sri Lanka, Japan, São Paulo Brazil and New Zealand. I want to visit Guam one day as well. I heard that Southeast Asia is high on crime these days, which is why I might avoid there. I know my mom’s friend backpacks and makes being in her 50’s look easy. If only life were that simple.

In terms of relatives, many of us cousins will probably leave earth without marrying or having children. Sometimes I think about the movie I watched on the plane called “Tunnel to Summer, the End of Goodbyes.” Japanese culture in movies does present a more dignified picture of aging, disability and sadness that often leaves room for hope.

I don’t really know much about 2026. I was optimistic that it would come with good news, new friends and blessings. But, based on people’s grimaces when I ride the bus or go to program, I have come to the conclusion that it might not be the best year. What can I do? How can I be of help to my best friend? When will I see Jake again? I was promised basking in the Bahamas one day, and at this rate I don’t know if I even have the patience to bask.

During these final days before 2026, I am left worried for friends on the US mainland who might be struggling to make ends meet, find peace, or even survive. I am working on a verse chapbook for a contest entry due next March. This is my main priority, though my writer’s block has returned. I’m also hoping to take intro to Japanese and finish eCornell in the Spring. I’m happy with all the recent successes coming my way. It just saddens me how much the world is changing, if I will ever find love and happiness, no longer being young, and friends who are being victimized by the sadism of their communities.

My dad got back from China this week and is enjoying his retirement by eating well and relaxing. I worry about his health, and hope he has the chance to travel more. I personally would like to travel more as well. The holidays feel “sabishii,” or lonely, this year.

On my mind is the mentally ill. So long as they don’t try to force me into anything I don’t want to do, I still want to visit support group every once in a while. I might attend early next year on my final week before class starts. I’m on the fence about asking day program to give me a referral to clubhouse, too.

As of now, there is still no word on when my mom’s boss will sell her house. So far, there have been no bids and five months have passed. Sometimes, it gets to me the way I’m aging, my family is aging, and how there isn’t much to look forward to.

First off, I want to say that I feel that, so far, day program has had a positive impact on my outlook and motivation. They don’t always coddle you like the way the old program was run. I’ve only gone to a handful of meetings so far and am expecting to graduate in mid-January if my counselor lets me. These days, there are many young people who talk about their symptoms of anxiety or unstable mood. I feel like many of them aspire to be where I am now, someone who isn’t always running to the emergency or taking strong addictive medication, has a stable living situation and even does some writing. I’m hoping that I will go more regularly these upcoming weeks. I’m a little sad since I do get attached to others sometimes.

I’m looking forward to my new future as an aspiring student of Japanese. I don’t know if I have what it takes to get a Japanese language certificate, but I’ve always wanted to learn more about the culture and all the cool things about Japan. My main concern is if that means I won’t have time to do much fiction writing for the duration of my time studying. We’re also planning to visit Japan next Summer or Fall and spending less time in China. It does make me a little unhappy since I feel like I had all these plans of inspiring my cousins to pursue their dreams and romantic interests, bringing home books, etc.

When I think about my day program cohort, I often see myself in my earlier years, wondering if I will ever recover and get to where I want to be in life. I hope that, one day, they can tell others the same. I hope that they can talk about the nice things they had accomplished at a Holiday dinner, prove that the illness didn’t take over their lives, and that the young boy with schizophrenia finishes his online degree.

One of the attendees mentioned that he lives near Chinatown. That means he’s either really rich or really poor. One of my friends who lives on River Street is the latter. I hope to strengthen my friendship with him and the social worker who showed me his suicidal state and drug relapse on a social media video. It’s just not a pleasant place for anyone to live besides life’s biggest losers, and I have a feeling that he will win back the love of his life one day. I feel like the mentally ill often jump to conclusions over things that take time to develop. Instant wins and gratification usually aren’t the answer. I think they need to trust more in the people who they do not see as “one of them.”

It was a very uplifting start to the Holidays. I bought some new sweaters, shirts and pants from Aritzia, Guess, Uniqlo and cK. It’s nice being able to say that I have published writing and that I’m not a random loser following mom at the mall. On Thanksgiving, we also had a bottle of Pinot Noir that was really good for Costco wine. Dad just started teeth surgery in China and says he’s feeling scared. What’s more, I have a novel, The Women’s Travelogue, up for The Emma Awards. So, the week has been going very well. I hope that others can say the same, that you spent time with family and had a good time, and made some good memories.

Due to writer’s block, I haven’t been able to go back to writing yet. However, I will probably drop day program and therapy from my schedule. It’d be nice to do some volunteering as well if the IHS children’s shelter still needs tutors and to attend some support groups. I’m hoping that the writer’s block subsides enough to work on my next two novels: Blue of the Sea and A Midnight’s Wonderland.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!